for one, there's my body. i can't seem to be satisfied with it. i'm not depressed, i don't have any sort of diagnosed psychological problems, and i can't seem to find the root of it, so i can't fix it. maybe if i spoke out about it and someone heard me, there will be healing.
the truth is, i've become so obsessed with my body that i think little about anything else.
i push myself everyday to eat as little as possible. for one period of time i became bulimic, but i stopped after a while because my throat was really feeling the impact of the acid. i found this out when i saw blood in the vomit. in front of friends, i always brag about how much i eat, but i don't know why i do it. nobody knows that i have this problem. i think people would think less of me if they knew that the strong, intelligent, attractive young woman was so insecure about her body that she feels the need to shove her fingers down her throat every day and to starve herself for so long that it physically hurts. the puzzling thing is, i don't think i have problems with my self esteem. in fact, sometimes i think i have too much of it. i'm usually pretty cocky, so i really have no idea why i hate my body so much. i'm also really not fat. my bmi is currently a little less than 120. people like me shouldn't have eating disorders. i really don't get it.
the worst part is, in conversations with friends, i always ridicule and blow off anorexic people, when really, i want to be like them. it's probably the most selfish and hypocritical thing that i do and the guilt is almost unbearable.
thanks for reading. i feel a little better.
beauty
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