disorderly disorders

i'm a happy girl. but there are still lots of things to rant about.

for one, there's my body. i can't seem to be satisfied with it. i'm not depressed, i don't have any sort of diagnosed psychological problems, and i can't seem to find the root of it, so i can't fix it. maybe if i spoke out about it and someone heard me, there will be healing.

the truth is, i've become so obsessed with my body that i think little about anything else.

i push myself everyday to eat as little as possible. for one period of time i became bulimic, but i stopped after a while because my throat was really feeling the impact of the acid. i found this out when i saw blood in the vomit. in front of friends, i always brag about how much i eat, but i don't know why i do it. nobody knows that i have this problem. i think people would think less of me if they knew that the strong, intelligent, attractive young woman was so insecure about her body that she feels the need to shove her fingers down her throat every day and to starve herself for so long that it physically hurts. the puzzling thing is, i don't think i have problems with my self esteem. in fact, sometimes i think i have too much of it. i'm usually pretty cocky, so i really have no idea why i hate my body so much. i'm also really not fat. my bmi is currently a little less than 120. people like me shouldn't have eating disorders. i really don't get it.

the worst part is, in conversations with friends, i always ridicule and blow off anorexic people, when really, i want to be like them. it's probably the most selfish and hypocritical thing that i do and the guilt is almost unbearable.

thanks for reading. i feel a little better.

beauty

on fat people porn

i'll start off easy.

i love fat people porn. i find them, not sexually gratifying, but hilarious and fascinating and disgusting all at the same time. i love watching fat people have sex with fat people, fat people have sex with skinny people, fat people squishing skinny people under them and suffocating them with their fat, fat people dominating other fat people and threatening to smack them with their belly fat. fat people are awesome. fat people having sex is awesomer.



i love watching the greased up ripples and stretch marks on a fatty's skin, the bouncing and flexing of certain body parts, their huge areolas and tubular droopy breasts, the fact that when a fat guy bends over, his tiny penis retracts inside his pubic mound fat deposits and forms little more than a knub, the many, many nooks and crannies, the jowls, the cellulite, the fact that when they sit, you can't really see any of their naughty parts because they are completely covered by fat. i want my own fat friend who is confident enough to take off all their clothes for me and let me bend and mold and bounce them however i'd like.

ha. i probably do this just to feel better about myself.

welcome

i'm not really into this whole special first blog entry thing, so let's jump right in.

i'm a twenty-two year old female who is graduating from an ivy league university in less than a month, and who, thanks to the economy, has not a single prospective employer. i do, though, have a whole bunch of stories to tell. lots of ridiculous shit tends to happen to me, and this is really more of a source of word vomit for me and high-class entertainment for you than anything else. friends, family, i hope you never find out who i am. strangers, likewise. this is my divulgence. this is my catharsis.

this is my confessional.